As a father, I've had a few phases. The first is what I call a 'low bar' phase. As in, the bar to be seen as a 'good father' was pretty low. I'd change a few diapers and feel pretty good. How wrong I was.

The second phase was when the little one was 3. This is when I said to myself that parenting was "90% being there", and so I tried spending as much time with the young one as possible. But being there passively is just not enough. And it's not like I was there a lot anyway, despite my intentions.

The third phase began when I was away for a few months. I'll call this my Conscious Phase. As in, I was conscious that I was letting my values down as a parent, and I began thinking a lot about how to raise a well-adjusted person and started reading books on parenting.

Phase four began when I started doing more and more and operationalizing some of the parenting strategies I picked up. I think I'm still in this phase, where I'm thinking about everything the young fellow does and introducing little games and conversations with strategic ends. I also call this my Overthinking Phase, because I tend to think a lot about this and a part of me says "Let go man. Your parents did a fine job and they didn't stress out about being parents. They just did it."

Phase five is yet to begin, where I begin to take the mental load about many things about parenting off his mother on a consistent basis. I think I'm kind of halfway between phases 4 and 5.

The important thing to note here is that these phases are not linear. You could be hopping between phases right from the beginning. The key is consistency and reliability, which I've struggled with. But I figured some honesty might help others in the same boat.

This is nothing to do with how much we all love our children of course. I think all parents, including fathers love their children like crazy. Such love, when properly expressed, is sometimes all a child needs. But just love alone is not enough. Some planning, deliberate action, conscious choice-making, and a benign presence is equally important.

Here's to all the amazing fathers (and mothers) out there! And to all the rest of us, who're getting there.